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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24430108">All I Need's a Whisper (In a World That Only Shouts)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/tomfoolery14/pseuds/tomfoolery14'>tomfoolery14</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games (Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Developing Relationship, F/M, Friends to Lovers, also it's been a hot second since i've read the books so i'm sorry if there's a glaring problem, this isn't canon divergent but i did take some liberties</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 07:54:07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,508</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24430108</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/tomfoolery14/pseuds/tomfoolery14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Q: What distinguishes love and sleep from other pursuits?<br/>A: It's the fall that we're truly after</p>
<p>OR</p>
<p>How star-crossed lovers defy the stars and their nightmares at the same time.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Katniss Everdeen/Peeta Mellark</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>80</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>All I Need's a Whisper (In a World That Only Shouts)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hi guys! </p>
<p>so during this quarantine craziness, i was reading back through book series that i used to love when i was younger, and i felt inspired to write some fic about one. at the time that i was in love with this trilogy, i was not really on the internet and therefore didn't know anything about fandom or fanfiction. this is my first attempt at anything like this, so i apologize in advance lol</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>i.</p><hr/>
<p>“I guess I’ll see you tomorrow,” Peeta murmured as he stood and moved to return to his room.</p>
<p>The sincerity that was so apparent in Peeta’s countenance make Katniss smile faintly, despite the painful twisting of her heart in her chest. It felt unreal to be having such a conversation with him when they were trapped in such twisted circumstances; particularly because no matter what events transpired, he would always be, first and foremost, the boy who singlehandedly saved her life and her mother and sister’s too.  “See you tomorrow,” she echoed, digging her toes down against the ledge she sat on.</p>
<p>When he started to back away, though, she found herself sitting up and reaching for him with an aborted motion. “Peeta?”</p>
<p>His eyes reflected a kind of openness, a choice to be present with her in that moment, when he looked back. “Yeah?”</p>
<p>“Could we sit here a little longer?” Katniss had no idea how to ask <em>him </em>to stay, how to convey that she wanted his company expressly. She had no right to ask it, and didn’t really know why she felt the need to, but she supposed they could both afford to indulge in luxury once more with the Capitol’s gift of time to borrow.</p>
<p>He didn’t ask why; he simply retraced his steps and sat down across from her once again, toe to toe. Looking down at the crowds assembled in the Capitol streets, the lights caught in his eyes and made them glint.</p>
<p>Katniss let her head lean back against the wall, watching the people below with a kind of dissociative feeling that she could pretend like she was safe up here behind the glass in her comfortable nightclothes. She thinks absently that Prim would like to see all the colors and textures of the Capitol in person. District 12 was so dull and blunt, and she deserved a life with much more to offer. For just a moment, she pictured what life might have been if she and Prim had grown up here, never having to mourn both what they lost and what they never had at all. Prim would have a house full of pets to love and care for, thousands of exquisite hair ribbons to interweave in her braids, and all the sweet treats she could ever want. And Katniss… She would still have her father to sing with and learn from, her mother would have been there for every milestone as she grew from girl to woman, and she could be comfortably content every day.</p>
<p>But that’s not reality.</p>
<p>She closed her eyes for a moment, listening to her breathing intertwine with Peeta’s. This was the closest she had felt to falling asleep all night. She visualized her lungs expanding and contracting with her breaths and it calmed her. When she opened her eyes again, there were even more people in the streets, and the sky was starting to turn from deep navy to a paler shade. She sat up straighter and looked at Peeta who was still seated exactly as he had been, but now with his forehead pressed to the cool glass.</p>
<p>“Hey,” he murmured, looking over at her. “You actually got some sleep.”</p>
<p>“Did I?” she asked in surprise, rubbing the heel of her hand against her eye. “How long?”</p>
<p>“About half an hour.” He turned slightly, swinging his legs back over the window ledge towards the floor. “Are you ready to go back? We should try to get some more sleep in these fancy Capitol beds while we still can.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I’ll go in a minute.”</p>
<p>Peeta stood up and looked at her with those thoughtful eyes for a moment. “Goodnight, Katniss. See you soon.” As he walked away, there was no outward indication that he held any fear about walking into the arena in mere hours. Even his confession, his intention to die as himself, hadn’t read to her as fear, but rather resignation. After all, he had said from the beginning of this nightmare, with unwavering certainty, that he had no illusions of living through the Games. He was a good man, and he always had been. He didn’t deserve this, didn’t deserve to suffer.</p>
<p>Looking back out the window at the night sky one last time, she stared at the first star that caught her eye. When Prim was a toddler, she had read her a story once about wishing on stars—<em>starlight, star bright, first star I see tonight</em>… That was all she could remember, but she closed her eyes for a moment and sent her wish on its way, far from his horrible moment: <em>Please let me get home to Prim. And Gale</em>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>ii.</p><hr/>
<p>The cold air that wound its way into the cave was moist from the rain and soothing like a gentle caress against Katniss’ cheeks.</p>
<p>Her head was still spinning from the kiss with Peeta, and her heart felt oddly heavy in her chest as if she had never been more aware of the space it takes up in her body. In truth, it scared her to feel this rush of…what, hope? Relief? Happiness? It was impossible to forget where they were, what they were up against, but he was becoming one more thing she was afraid to lose.</p>
<p>And how was she supposed to feel about the fact that she hadn’t felt so safe and protected in someone’s arms since her father? How was she supposed to just accept that, when she had spent her entire life sparing very little thought to having feelings for anyone? It had always been a luxury she couldn’t afford and frankly, wasn’t much concerned with. Now she had to be—she was feeling things with Peeta that she never had known she could or would. She didn’t know how to name what she was feeling, other than the fact that she liked being close to Peeta, liked when he kissed her…wanted him to do it again.</p>
<p>After some restless attempts to get more comfortable, she finally sat up with a soft huff and began undoing the plaits of her braid. Letting her hair hang loose around her released a tension in her head that she was only just realizing, and she ran her fingers across her scalp with gentle massaging motions before combing through to the ends. Once she was confident that she had extricated all the bits of leaves and brush, she carefully braided her hair back again.</p>
<p>“What are you doing?” Peeta’s voice was thick and hoarse from sleep, and his eyes were still closed as he laid with his face still pressed into the jacket he was using as a pillow.</p>
<p>“Nothing,” she said lightly, crawling back beneath the sleeping bag with her body curled against the side of his. “Just getting comfortable.”</p>
<p>Peeta’s thumb and forefinger trailed down her braid slowly, reverently. He felt along each ridge and rise with a thoughtful touch. “I really like your hair like this,” he said absently. “Is it hard to do?”</p>
<p>“No, it just takes a little practice. When I was first learning how to braid my hair, I thought it was just tying knots, and my mother ended up spending two hours untying all of them because I wouldn’t let her cut any of it off.” Katniss smiled to herself faintly at the memory. She had cried for the first hour straight from the persistent yanking and pulling, thinking it was the end of the world. She would gladly take that pain as her pinnacle of suffering without a second thought now.</p>
<p>“Sometimes we made the bread for a Toasting at the bakery.” Peeta’s fingers were still rubbing the ends of her braid between his fingers as if he were soothing himself with it. “When my father made them, he would do a 5-strand plaited loaf, and I always wanted to learn. I found it difficult enough to make a 3-strand loaf look neat, and I was able to look at it directly and have lots of room to work with. I can’t imagine trying to do it on yourself, without being able to see what you’re doing.”</p>
<p>“Well,” she rubbed her thumb against the apex of his sternum softly, “it will just take a little practice.”</p>
<p>“Maybe I’ll try with your hair first before I attempt it on the bread,” he teased.</p>
<p>“You’ll have plenty of new ideas to experiment with when we get home, from all the Capitol foods we’ve gotten to try.” She was actively trying to keep the conversation light, like that of a pair of young lovers with renewed hope, but she had no sense of whether she had done enough to satisfy Haymitch, to garner sponsors’ support…to give Peeta what he deserved. They were in this together now, and it was time she learned what it meant to have someone at her side as an equal.</p>
<p>At her mention of Capitol desserts, he seemed to light up even in the depths of the cave shadows. “Some of those cakes I actually can make back in District 12 if I adapt the recipes a bit. The pastries are a little easier, because pastry is more straightforward in terms of ingredients. Cookies, too.”</p>
<p>“People will be clamoring to get to your bakery and try to new desserts.”</p>
<p>The chuckle that reverberated in his chest was a pleasant vibration beneath Katniss’ fingers, and it was the last sound she noted before falling back to sleep in his arms.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>iii.</p><hr/>
<p>It was startling how numb Katniss felt as the train started back to District 12. To home. She should be feeling so many things at once that she bursts at the seams, but instead she just feels hollowed out.</p>
<p>After dinner, she went back to her room and lay in bed with her fingers tracing patterns on the soft pillows beneath her head as she looked out the window. The trees that rushed by were a seemingly infinite smear of familiar green, and it helped her breathe easier. She watched as the sky became darker every passing minute, and the moon replaced the sun. The way they moved around each other, always just out of reach and destined to be for the rest of time, struck her as a familiar realization. The stars began to emerge like fireflies from the grass, and she counted as many as she could manage.</p>
<p>A soft rap of knuckles against her door made her blink and lose count. “Come in,” she said without any further inquiry.</p>
<p>It was clear, though, by the heaviness of the footfalls that it was Peeta before he even spoke. “I wanted to make sure you were all right; you hardly ate anything. And I brought you some tea if you want it.” He set the mug on the little table by the bed and hovered awkwardly for a moment. “Can I, uh, sit?”</p>
<p>Finally rolling over to face him, Katniss sat up and pulled her knees up to her chest to make room for him beside her. He was particularly clumsy now as he adjusted to his new prosthetic, and she couldn’t ignore that twinge of guilt in the pit of her stomach that always followed acknowledging it. Reaching for the mug of tea he had brought, she let the emanating steam tickle her face. “I’m okay,” she answered the unspoken question.</p>
<p>Peeta seemed to be searching her expression for something when he looked at her. “That’s the best we can ever hope for, I think.” He seemed to be treading carefully, offering his hand to help her only if she wanted to take it.</p>
<p>“We can’t just go home and pretend we have any kind of happy ending now,” Katniss explained. “How are we supposed to go back to District 12 and face our friends and family as the people we are now? We killed people, and even the ones we didn’t will have families that justifiably resent us for being here when their child got sent back in an unmarked pine box to be forgotten.”</p>
<p>Peeta nodded in acknowledgement but didn’t say anything for a few moments. “I’m scared of that too. I don’t know if I’ll be able to look my family in the eye when I see them again. I don’t think I’m ready for everything to change.”</p>
<p>Draining the last of her tea, Katniss sat back more comfortably against the pillows. “I don’t think we have a choice. I guess now we just have to try to forget as much as we can.”</p>
<p>The small smile of acceptance Peeta mustered was sad, turning down at the corners. “At least we have each other.” He opened his arms and she found herself drawn to them without a conscious thought.</p>
<p>He was warm, and his skin was softer and cleaner than it was the last time they had been like this. He smelled like her favorite of all the cookies she had been offered in the Capitol—snickerdoodles, she recalled—and some type of floral scent, maybe eucalyptus. Being so close, she could see all the new scars that littered his arms and hands, a starkly different shade than the rest of his skin.</p>
<p>“It’ll be hard to sleep without you, now.”</p>
<p>Katniss flinched imperceptibly. As much comfort as she got from his presence, and despite the overwhelming <em>something </em>that had welled up inside her after the kiss they shared in the cave, she couldn’t make any sense of what was happening between them. Was she even capable of loving anyone now, as she stood at the precipice of something that she had the sinking feeling would soon eclipse her whole world? The line had blurred so suddenly for her where Peeta was concerned. And then there was of course the guilt she still felt at the belated realization that the feelings he had expressed for her had never been a façade for him.</p>
<p>She felt no safety in the past or the future, but in this very moment, one second at a time, she could at least feel peaceful in his arms as she tried to fall asleep.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>iv.</p><hr/>
<p>Leaving District 12 for the Victory Tour felt more reminiscent of leaving for the Capitol by train as a tribute than it should have. Katniss was nowhere near self-assured like a victor should on this farcical journey. But she had Peeta, a distinct advantage that no other victor ever had, even if it was hardly a simple relationship.</p>
<p>The bed on the train was comfortable and soft, enveloping her like an embrace when she tucked herself underneath the covers. In the morning she would take a hot shower and eat a good breakfast and have energy from a good night’s sleep—she would be prepared to make it through these upcoming weeks. But right now, all she could think about was the outright threat from President Snow. She worried about her mother and Prim and Gale because leaving them behind left them vulnerable, and she worried about Peeta and Haymitch and Effie and Cinna because being close to her put them in harm’s way. There had already been more than enough collateral damage.</p>
<p>Her sleep was fitful and eventually came to an end when she awoke sitting bolt upright, screaming. Her entire body was covered in a sheen of sweat and her hair clung to her forehead and neck. Her heart was racing in her chest and she could hear her pulse pounding in her ears. The blankets that had felt so inviting now felt like restraints, and she kicked them away.</p>
<p>Suddenly, her door swung open and Peeta came barreling in. When he saw her, though, understanding softened his expression and he slowed to a stop, pulling his robe back around himself.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” she whispered, resting her head in her hands. “I’m sorry, it was a nightmare. I didn’t mean to wake you.”</p>
<p>“You don’t have to apologize,” Peeta insisted. “I have them too. Even Haymitch has them sometimes, when he falls asleep sober.”</p>
<p>“Would you stay with me?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, of course.” It was as easy as breathing to find the way they fit together, and Peeta’s fingers rubbing her back with a touch as light as a butterfly’s wings made the tension start to bleed from her body immediately.</p>
<p>She had missed him, missed <em>this</em> more than she could believe, and she knew that meant they had to have a real conversation about what had seemed too complicated to address before. Especially in light of President Snow’s ultimatum that kept nagging at her. “I’m not indifferent towards you.”</p>
<p>He let out a shocked laugh, his fingers faltering for a moment before continuing their circular motions along her shoulder blade. “Thank you, I think?” But in his tone, she could hear the curiosity, the hope, the pain.</p>
<p>“President Snow made an…impromptu visit to my house the day before Effie came to prep us for the Tour,” she began in a hushed voice. She didn’t look at him as she regaled the events of Snow’s visit, but she held onto him a little tighter with her fingers clenched in the fabric of his night shirt. “And we didn’t get to talk about this because it felt too complicated but…I don’t really know how to have feelings for someone. All I’ve ever really done is try to survive; anything else was a luxury I couldn’t afford. So at first, I told myself that pretending in order to save our lives was what I had to do. It changed when we kissed, though; that night in the cave when you weren’t burning from fever and I wasn’t delirious from my head wound, we kissed and I felt something I’ve never felt before. When we shared the sleeping bag and you held me, I felt the safest I’ve felt since my father died. I don’t know how to think about loving someone and make sense of feelings when I’m just trying to get through each day with my family safe, but I do know that that kiss left me wanting more, and I feel safe with you. I like you, Peeta, in a way I just don’t know how to make sense of yet, and I’m not trying to deceive you or hurt you.”</p>
<p>The end of her confession was met with silence for a few beats, and she felt a coldness seep into her bones at the fear that maybe she had broken it all apart by being so honest. She couldn’t remember a time when she had explained herself so intimately to anyone, or talked about her own feelings with such adamance.</p>
<p>Finally, Peeta took a breath and adjusted his position on the bed so he could look at her, jostling her a bit on his chest. “Thank you for being honest with me, Katniss. I never wanted to ask for something from you that you didn’t want to give, I was just hurt to know so much of it wasn’t real. You saved our lives though, and I understand why things had to unfold like this between us, even if I don’t like it. For the cameras, we’ll do what we have to, but between us…we’ll go at our own pace, and I’ll wait for you to know what you feel.”</p>
<p>It was an ambiguous solution, but it was something, and they lapsed into a comfortable silence as they tried to fall back to sleep.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>v.</p><hr/>
<p>“I’m ready to be back,” Peeta mused, resting his cheek on a large silk pillow he was propped against as he watched the setting sun through the massive window of the last train car that took up nearly an entire wall. He had been sketching in the leather-bound book he carried with him when they traveled, the insides of his wrists and the sides of his hands smudged with charcoal, and the ridges of his fingerprints mapped in relief against the black chalk.</p>
<p>Katniss smiled faintly at him from the other side of the plush settee, tracing the angles and edges of her mockingjay pin with the pad of her thumb aimlessly. The closer they got to home, the more restless she felt. At Peeta’s admission, it seemed he was feeling the same. “Effie said we should be at the station early tomorrow morning.”</p>
<p>Closing his sketchbook, he laid back on the pillows with his arms neatly crossed at his waist. “The first thing I’m going to do when I’m home is make a loaf of bread with dried fruit and cinnamon.”</p>
<p>“I miss the woods. Especially after being back at the Capitol.” There was a myriad of things about living in the Seam of District 12 that she hated, but there was no other place that provided the same solace as the woods she had come to know as well as she knew herself.</p>
<p>The change in the rotation of her wrist as she moves to set the pin down makes the rays of the setting sun catch on the new piece of gold intricately wrapped around the ring finger of her left hand and make it glint.</p>
<p>“Do you like it?” she heard Peeta ask. He had rolled over onto his side to look at her, particularly focused on the way she flexed her fingers to look at the delicate engagement ring. “Cinna designed it with me, and saw the whole process through.”</p>
<p>She could clearly see Cinna’s inimitable flair in the way that fragile strands of gold were interwoven like branches, yet melded into groupings that resembled flames. There was also a kind of opalescent quality to the metal that gave it tones of red and orange embedded within the yellow-gold. She had never been one to wear jewelry, but yet again, Cinna had managed to create something she couldn’t help but fall in love with.</p>
<p>“It’s beautiful… Thank you—you didn’t have to go to all that trouble.”</p>
<p>“It wasn’t trouble, I wanted to do it. Since you’ll have to wear it often, it should be something you like.” And that was the worst part, Katniss through to herself. If he weren’t so sincere, maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much, but he was, and it twisted her stomach into knots.</p>
<p>Knowing that his love for her had never been anything but earnest, what kind of monstrous thing did it make her that she would suggest a falsified engagement and marriage to placate Snow? Even if it was to save their lives, and the lives of their family and friends…</p>
<p>When she looked over at him to try to come up with a reply, or an apology, she was stopped short at the sight of him. He was asleep, his hair already mussed against the pillow and his mouth parted slightly. The dark rings under his eyes were stark now that he didn’t have stylists frantically covering them. They were all exhausted, but Peeta was always the one who tried the hardest to find a way to hide it. There were even the beginnings of new wrinkles at the corners of his eyes. After holding herself back for a moment, she gently combed her fingers through his soft golden hair.</p>
<p>He deserved a better life. Peeta, Prim, Gale, Cinna, Haymitch… The people Katniss was closest to and cared the most for all deserved a lot better than they had. Maybe the best they could hope for were moments like this. If she had even a fraction of his talent for art, she would document the image he made.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>vi.</p><hr/>
<p>She had been here before, forced to just sit and wait to be abandoned in the arena to fight for her life in a matter of hours. The difference was that now she was much more angry than cautious or afraid. She had a distinct purpose now that she would die to ensure: Peeta would live. There was no ambiguity, no question.</p>
<p><em>Peeta lives, not me</em>.</p>
<p>The sky was turning from navy blue velvet to a soft purple as the sun began to show its first rays of the day, and took a slow, deep breath.</p>
<p>Her movement must have jostled Peeta because he suddenly jerked awake, his heart hammering against his ribs where her hand was splayed. “Katniss,” he gasped fearfully.</p>
<p>Leaning up on her elbow, Katniss reached for his hand. “Hey, I’m here. We’re okay.” She squeezed his fingers then guided his hand to her chest so he could feel the thrum of her heart. “Just breathe deep, slow down.”</p>
<p>Peeta squeezed his eyes shut tightly for a moment, and when they opened, he looked less frantic. She could feel his pulse where their fingers interlocked, and it was slowing. “I can’t believe we have to go through with this again.”</p>
<p>“You tried.”</p>
<p>The pregnancy announcement had left her admittedly reeling when Peeta had made the shocking confession to Caesar Flickerman, but she had to admit it was a power play that she applauded him for. Haymitch was, of course, totally amused by the idea, and Effie was surprisingly sober but not critical. The audience was shocked and horrified at the idea of Katniss actually participating in the Quarter Quell in such a condition. Snow and the Gamemakers, however, were unphased, and the Games were set to continue as planned without exception. She had known that nothing was going to change his mind, but Peeta was trying—not just for them, but all the other Tributes who were being put through horrors they thought they would never have to face again.  </p>
<p>Peeta sighed in a show of defeat. “You know why I didn’t tell you beforehand, but I’m still sorry if I embarrassed you.”</p>
<p>“You didn’t embarrass me.” This secret he shared was different than the last because this time, it felt like she was in on it too. When he told all of Panem that he had loved her since he was a child, she felt like she wasn’t in control of what was happening to her, what people thought about her. This story about a baby was different, though. Whatever her feelings for him were, they were there, and they were a partnership now. “I’m the one who should be sorry. Marriage, a baby… You’ve had to pretend to have it with me.”</p>
<p>“No,” Peeta said firmly before she had even finished speaking. “You don’t have to be sorry, Katniss.”</p>
<p>“You should be able to marry someone you’re in love with and have beautiful, blond-haired babies.”</p>
<p>Peeta did chuckle at her attempt to be lighthearted, but it felt more for her benefit. “I don’t know… I guess I just don’t ever imagine myself with anyone in particular because the only person I’ve ever felt that for was you.” Moving slowly, giving her the chance to reject the touch, he swept his thumb across the angular scar on her forehead—the memory of Clove’s knives etched in her body forever. “But we aren’t both making it out of the Games this time.”</p>
<p>“We’ll see about that.”</p>
<p>“Do you really think none of the other Tributes can be trusted?”</p>
<p>“We’re doing this alone; you promised, Peeta.” Whether or not she believed that an alliance could be possible with any of the other Tributes, she knew that none of them had the same agenda as she did, and therefore she couldn’t take the chance.</p>
<p>“Yeah. I promise.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>vii.</p><hr/>
<p>“Mags needs to rest,” Finnick declared as the sun began to set behind the trees. Despite the mask of composure that he had obviously been perfecting for many years, Katniss could see there was more beneath it; he loved Mags like a child would a mother, rather than just a mentor. She knew that look of cloaked desperation, because she’d worn it many times herself. She couldn’t help but wonder if maybe she had misjudged his intentions. “So do you, mama,” he added, brushing the back of his hand against Katniss’ wrist as he passed by her to help Mags down.</p>
<p>Peeta tossed his machete down on the ground and ran both hands up his forehead and through his hair. The humidity of the jungle made it so that they were all still damp with the briny water of the island, now simply glazed over with a sheen of sweat. “I’ll get us some more water.” He rolled the heavy spile between his fingers and inspected the nearest tree for a spot to tap.</p>
<p>As Katniss laid out the sleeping bag she would share with Peeta, she kept an eye on him at all times. It still bothered her that she struggled to explain why Finnick had intervened and saved his life when he hit the forcefield. The cynic’s response, and the one he was more inclined to accept, was that he knew that if Peeta had died then, she would have left them and become no one’s option. He was just trying to save himself. And yet, Haymitch seemed to trust him, if the gold bangle on Finnick’s wrist were to be considered.</p>
<p>After taking some watered that Peeta offered, she settled inside the bag and curled herself around Peeta when he joined her. Her open palm pressed against his chest above his heart, counting each beat with a slight nod.</p>
<p>“What are you doing?” he asked curiously.</p>
<p>“You scared me,” Katniss replied. “I felt you die—your heart stopped, Peeta. I thought you left me.”</p>
<p>His fingers were a satisfying weight against hers, even with the dirt and dried blood, as he held her hand in place on his chest. “It’s working now.”</p>
<p>The space between each beat just reminded her of how hollow he had felt when she put her hand to his chest and felt nothing at all. Dread had spread through her entire body like ice in her blood, and she could still remember that feeling clearly.</p>
<p>“I don’t know how to go on without you,” she heard herself say, and what shocked her the most was that it was the truth. For the cameras and the viewers, it was a cliché declaration of love, but in the context of the truth as the two of them understood it, her words were about so much more. <em>I know I would be devastated to lose you</em>, she was saying. <em>I would be so alone</em>, <em>and I couldn’t bear it. In whatever way I can, I love you</em>. She thought of Cinna, killed right in front of her while she was helpless to do anything. Telling herself that she didn’t need anyone and would take care of herself wouldn’t protect them and make it so that they weren’t going to be hurt by her actions.</p>
<p>“I love you, Katniss,” he whispered, and she knew it was the only thing he could think to say that wouldn’t be a lie. He had never lied to her, and it appeared he wasn’t about to start now.</p>
<p>There was something comforting about that; even as the world around them was pushed to the brink, Peeta was still Peeta. When he told her the night before the first Games that he didn’t want the Games, the Capitol to change him into a pawn to be sacrificed for their purposes, she thought perhaps he put too much faith in his ability, but she had learned now that there was nothing that grounded him more.</p>
<p>“I love you, too.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>viii.</p><hr/>
<p>“He asked to see you, Katniss,” Finnick said gently, a reassuring hand on her arm. “He’s sedated, and we’ll make sure that you’re safe. He just… He needs you; there’s no one in this world he loves more than you, he just needs you to remind him.” Taking her hand gently, he pressed the pearl—Peeta’s pearl—into her palm.</p>
<p>“Finnick’s right,” Haymitch agreed gruffly. “He needs you, Katniss. As hard as this is for you to watch him go through, he’s the one living it.”</p>
<p>There was no counterargument to that, and she knew it. So she nodded. “Okay. I’ll do it.” After pressing a kiss to Katniss’ temple, Finnick left with Haymitch, and all that separated her and Peeta now was the door. The thing she was most afraid of wasn’t his anger or his threats; it was the guilt that tore her apart at the fact that he was right. Everything that he gave up, right to the very last moment before the Capitol took him away, was for her, and somewhere inside she had always been afraid of what would happen when he finally realized that she wasn’t worth it.</p>
<p>Her fingers shook only a little as she pushed the handle, and Peeta looked up immediately at the sound. She still felt her breath catch for a second as she took in his eyes. It was still jarring to see how empty they were now, how cold and distant. His eyes that were once the prettiest blue, like the sky on a clear day as she lay in the wide expanse of tall grass deep in the woods, were just dull and empty. If she were to just look at his eyes, she would never have known he was Peeta at all.</p>
<p>“Hi,” he said with no warmth in his tone, yet notable curiosity. His bed was elevated so that he was in a sitting position, but his hands were strapped down. “I’ll be asleep in a few minutes from the meds, but I wanted to talk to you.”</p>
<p>“About what?” There was a chair set six feet away from the bed, waiting for her.</p>
<p>Peeta followed her movements until she was seated, then looked down. “I’ve been talking with Haymitch and Finnick, to ask them about some things. Things that are real to me but that they’ve told me never happened.”</p>
<p>“Do you believe them?”</p>
<p>“I have to.” A shrug of his shoulders shows just how tight they’re set. “They’re my friends.”</p>
<p>Distinguishing them from her felt like a pointed remark, and even though anger started to rise hot under her skin, it was tempered by the reminder that it wasn’t his fault. “During the Quarter Quell, you said to me that you knew Haymitch had made me promises about who he would help protect, but that he made you promises too. Just like you tried to guarantee my life, I did the same for you. I went to Haymitch after the announcement about the Quell to beg him to help me save your life. He promised to do what he could, but I was resigned that I would protect you down to my last breath in that arena.”</p>
<p>Something crossed Peeta’s face—she couldn’t tell what it was, but it was softer than any she had seen on him since his rescue. “Why?”</p>
<p>“Because you were better than all of us. You deserved to live.” Leaning forward with her elbows to her knees, Katniss continued. “I was never good at making people like me, I just made myself indispensable. You were genuinely kind for its own sake, and had such heart. Haymitch said that I could live a thousand lifetimes and never deserve you, and he was right. What else was I going to do than protect you?”</p>
<p>His fingers flexed against the railing of the bed where his wrists were held down. “Will you come here?”</p>
<p>Finnick’s parting words to her come back to the forefront of her mind, and after a moment’s hesitation, she stood up and slowly walked closer to him. There was still a small distance between them that she preserved, but when Peeta fanned out his fingers to make room for hers to fit between them, she responded in kind. There was an indescribable relief that flooded her body as their fingers fit together, the kind of relief that she only ever felt with him now.</p>
<p>“Thank you for coming to see me.” His eyelids were getting heavy from sleep, but he made an effort to look up at her.</p>
<p>Katniss started to reach for him, but froze when her fingers were almost to his hair. To her surprise, though, he closed his eyes in acceptance, and when she pushed her fingers through the soft blond hairs falling across his forehead, he leaned into her touch almost imperceptibly. “Just get some sleep,” she whispered.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>ix.</p><hr/>
<p>By the time it was Katniss’ turn in the rotation to keep watch over Peeta, she was awake anyway. It didn’t matter that her body and mind were exhausted when all she could see when she closed her eyes was Finnick, drowning in the tunnels as mutts tore him apart. The way he cried out her name with such agony echoed in her ears endlessly.</p>
<p>She sat against the cold basement wall opposite Peeta, watching him sleep. It was a fitful, and she could see the way his eyes were frantically moving beneath the bruised-looking skin of his eyelids. She wondered with morbid curiosity what he dreamed about. How much horror did he see when he closed his eyes? Suddenly, he jerked awake, clenching his hands into fists against the support he was handcuffed to. He looked frantic as he took in his surroundings, and she felt sorry for him. How many more people she cared about would have to suffer so greatly?</p>
<p>“Hey,” she spoke softly, trying to get his attention carefully. “You’re okay.”</p>
<p>With a derisive snort, Peeta shook his head. “None of us are okay.” As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he bit his lip hard. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be that way.”</p>
<p>“It’s fine. We both lost someone today.”</p>
<p>The sadness that clouded Peeta’s expression made him look like the person she knew he was, the man who felt so much that he hardly left enough of his own heart for himself. “I think I always liked Finnick.”</p>
<p>“Real,” Katniss smiled faintly. “From the start of our second Games, you thought there was more to him than he showed, and that I believed he had.”</p>
<p>“I think Annie was the only one who ever truly knew him for everything he was.”</p>
<p>The mention of Annie makes a lump rise in Katniss’ throat that won’t go away. How will they be able to face her, when he died for them? “I remember when I asked him about her, if he loved her from the start, he said that she crept up on him, and then she was all he ever imagined.”</p>
<p>Peeta tilted his head slightly, a small smile on his lips. “Apparently some people say that’s how you fell in love with me.”</p>
<p>“In a way, I guess.” Katniss shifted, moving a little closer along the wall towards Peeta. “What I felt for you came slowly over time at first, and then just overwhelmed me like drowning in a sudden wave. But ever since you saved my life when we were kids, I cared for you.”</p>
<p>His smile grew, but at the same time, his fingers clenched tighter into fists in his lap as if he were holding himself back from something. “I burned the bread on purpose, for you. Even though I knew that my mother would be furious. How could that be anything but love?”</p>
<p>“I was too afraid to talk to you afterwards,” Katniss admitted. “I didn’t know what to say. But when your name got pulled at the Reaping and Effie brought you up, I knew that you were the only person I couldn’t bring myself to really see as my enemy. I owed you for saving my life.”</p>
<p>For a moment, Peeta was quiet, contemplating her words. Maybe she should have told him what she felt sooner. Or at least with more transparency. “How much was a lie? You were very convincing when the cameras were around, but I know you didn’t feel what I did.”</p>
<p>The problem was, the part that felt like a lie was the part that everyone was seeing. The feelings that their actions were founded on were the only truth she knew. “Doing what everyone else wanted for us. The feelings I had for you, I couldn’t express in my own time or in my own way very often. Fighting to save you, save us, by pretending was how I loved you for a while.”</p>
<p>“And now?”</p>
<p>“Now…” Katniss reached down the front of her uniform and pulled out the necklace she wore with a pearl secured by knots Finnick had made for her. “Now, I know that I need you. And that’s love to me.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>x.</p><hr/>
<p>Katniss couldn’t remember the last time she got a good night’s sleep but it wasn’t until lately that she had been an insomniac, for all intents and purposes. Tossing and turning made her increasingly annoyed, and she huffed frustratedly after the looked at the clock on the wall that read just past midnight—she had been lying awake in bed for two hours now.</p>
<p>Tossing off the covers, she took her robe from the chair by the vanity and wrapped herself in it before heading downstairs. Maybe some tea would help. The steps were cold underneath her bare feet, so she hurried quickly to the kitchen and prepared the kettle before leaning against the counter to wait. From the view offered by the window Katniss could see the lights were still on at Peeta’s house. Maybe he was still awake.</p>
<p>She hesitated for only a moment before taking the kettle off the heat and going to the door to slip on her boots. The moon was full above her as she descended the porch steps bathed in the cool white light. Peeta’s house smelled like fresh dough and cinnamon even from outside. She knocked twice, and after a moment’s pause, the door opened to reveal Peeta dressed similarly in night clothes.</p>
<p>“Did I wake you up?” Katniss asked, crossing her arms over her chest to warm up in the crisp night air.</p>
<p>“I was just getting ready for bed.” Peeta leaned against the door to make room for her to enter, and the smell of cinnamon grew stronger as the air stirred around them. “Are you okay?”</p>
<p>“It’s just the dreams.”</p>
<p>Peeta’s warm, calloused hand settled on her upper back and rubbed soothingly. “You can always come here, Katniss. Here, I made some cookies that I was planning to bring you tomorrow, but since you’re here now, I guess I could give them to you now.”</p>
<p>As he turned to get them, Katniss grabbed his wrist gently. “Actually, could we just…go to bed for a bit?” She had never been good at asking people for what she wanted in these kinds of situations, but Peeta always seemed to understand. This time was no different, and he didn’t ask any questions as he led her upstairs to the master bedroom. After all this time, the only comfort she understood was sleeping beside him, and she had finally accepted that.</p>
<p>“Just give me a second, okay?”</p>
<p>While Peeta went to the ensuite to brush his teeth, she discarded her robe and kicked off her boots. When she sat down on the bed and pushed down the covers, she noticed the pillows on her side were still exactly as she had left them.</p>
<p>The weight of Peeta sitting on the edge of the bed was something she was growing increasingly familiar with. The muscular planes of his back beneath his shirt rippled as he worked to undress, and she imagined letting her fingers explore beneath the fabric. He always ran warm, and once he was under the covers with her, it only took a few moments for his body heat to begin to radiate.</p>
<p>It wasn’t quick enough, though, and Katniss pressed her body up against his like a reflex. But then she felt his entire body grow tense, and when she shifted slightly to look up at him questioningly, she realized why. He always slept without his prosthetic attached, but any time they lay beside each other, he wore long sleep pants so that she never came into direct contact with his lower limbs. Tonight he was wearing shorts, and the space between her legs would have been cradling his; now her upper thigh was pressed to his knee, and she could feel the place where his blood and bone ended and the prosthetic would begin.</p>
<p>He didn’t say anything, but she could feel his heart racing beneath her. Almost like instinct commanded her, Katniss let her hand slowly trail down his chest and stomach to his upper thigh. Ever so gently, she reached with her thumb and pressed it against the still scar-raised skin. He took a sharp inhale through his nose at the touch, and she looked up at him. “I’m okay if you’re okay,” she whispered.</p>
<p>He nodded wordlessly, and wrapped both arms around her. She knew what he was saying, because she had just said it too. They were still learning how to align their stars, but it seemed well worth the effort.</p>
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